24 Quotes From Californication That Capture Why Hank Moody Is A Perfectly Lovable Asshole

“I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“It is possible that longing for something is better than actually having it. I’ve heard it said that satisfaction is the death of desire.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“I may be easy, but I’m not sleazy.”

— Tom Kapinos, imdb.com

“You can’t blame everything on the economy, douche bag.”

— Gina Fattore, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some.”

— Gina Fattore, Eric Weinberg, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“You know, most people, they go their whole life, and they never really find someone they love. They say they do because everybody’s the star of their own little romantic comedy, but they’re full of shit. You and me, we had women that loved us for who we were, really loved us for who we were, and we…”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“Rehab is for quitters.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her dreams. It’s not gentlemanly.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“Not to contradict your dear old mom, who’s both wicked smart and wonderful, but, no, we don’t have to be realistic. Not when it comes to love.”

— Gina Fattore, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“I miss your smell. When you left, I couldn’t wash the sheets because I didn’t want to lose that completely… You. And… it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I’d smell you and I’d think you were there. And that would… My heart would break all over again. I think that’s why I go i…”

— Tom Kapinos, Eric Weinberg, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. I mean, we have all this amazing technology, and yet… computers have turned into basically four-figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but… But all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted c…”

— Susan McMartin, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“Nobody likes you. You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you fucking douche.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“At the end of the day, it’s all about her. It’s always been about her.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“I’m just like my father. You know, there isn’t a woman that I’ve met that I haven’t fallen in love with for 10 minutes or 10 years.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“Friends don’t let friends bang each other’s soul mates.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“She said one thing. I said another. Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment… the moment that could’ve changed everything.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. ’cause it’s true – all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you. There’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures.…”

— Gina Fattore, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“You know what they say? Whatever doesn't kill us makes us even more annoying.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“You have extremely moist lips. They're like kissable cupcakes. It's as if Sprinkles and Crumbs got together and made sweet love and had these delicious smoochable cupcake babies.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“The person that I want to have everything to do with, wants nothing to do with me.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“I guess I see myself as an enthusiast. A drug and alcohol enthusiast.”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“As a writer, I'm a sucker for happy endings. The guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there's no such thing. There's no sunset. There's just now, and there's just the two of us, which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes. But if yo…”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com

“I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim t…”

— Tom Kapinos, Hank Moody, David Duchovny, imdb.com