“I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all [single women] that they don’t need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they aren’t alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them they’re in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor.”
More from Amy Schumer
“The key is to never ever let them sleep over.”
“The key is to never ever let them sleep over.”
“I shit myself in Austin while I was going for a walk recently.”
“When you turn 30, this really cool thing happens where your metabolism goes, 'Later,…”