“I was home alone a few years ago, sifting through my mother’s closet for a shirt. Her closet is in the hallway between her bedroom and bathroom; it’s all connected. Well I take a shirt into the bedroom to try it on and what happens? I hear a thud and something rolling across the tile bathroom floors. Initially I NOPED right the fuck out of there. Later, once I’d gathered all of my courage, I went back to see what it was. It was the damn head of a candle shaped like a praying child. The head. Severed. It had rolled under the sink.

Stick with me. It was on a small shelf above the open clothes hamper. After many experiments I deduced that had it rolled off with natural force, in any direction, it would land in the hamper. Only with a hefty bit of force could it have hopped the opening and rolled to the sink.

Still slightly terrified.”