“Me: *stands on the bathroom scale* 5-year-old: Good job! That's a big number.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: How was your last day of school before break? 5-year-old: We didn't even learn!”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“My 3-year-old just said, "Daddy, stop wasting time." She summed up my entire life.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“7-year-old: Why are we opening our Christmas presents early? Me: I make the rules, not the calendar. 7: Me: Mom said it was okay.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: *hands me a toy package to open* Me: Looks like that’s going to take some arm strength. 5: I’ll ask Mom.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Did Santa come?! Me: You don't believe in Santa. 5: He doesn't know that.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: What do you want to do today? 7-year-old: Nothing. Me: You can't do that all day. 7: I can do it all week.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[coldest day of the year] 5-year-old: You made her mad. Me: Who? 5: Elsa. My bad.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“7-year-old: Time for a break. Me: A break from what? You're not doing anything. 7: It's exhausting.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: I closed my eyes last night and now it's morning. Me: That happens. 5: I think I can time travel.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“7-year-old: Why do you argue with people on the internet? Me: If I don't, nobody will. 7: Isn’t that better?”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“3-year-old: My belly doesn't want to go to sleep. Me: Why not? 3: Tacos. That makes complete sense to me.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Where are the pig's shoes? Me: Pigs don't wear shoes. 5: *has a million dollar business idea*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: *drinks water* 7-year-old: If you get too hydrated, you'll explode. 5: *spits it all out*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: I made all the beds. 5-year-old: A store made the beds. You just put blankets on them.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 5: Me. Me: That's not a good joke. 5: Neither are yours.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“3-year-old: I don't want to get dressed! Me: But if you don't get dressed, you can't leave the house. 3: My God. She has it all figured out.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: What's wrong? 5-year-old: I'm hungry and not hungry. I understand completely.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: We can't go out. The roads are bad. 5-year-old: What did they do wrong?”— James Breakwell, twitter.com