“On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“Japan has not only a huge sex industry but also what some have dubbed a ‘relationship replacement’ industry that provides everything from ‘cuddling cafes’ (where clients pay for things like pats on the head, eye contact, and ear cleaning with a Q-tip) to full-on sex robots that are built to last for…”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“Sometimes there’s another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren’t playing mind games or busy. They’re just GOOGLING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“You know how we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together? I wanna keep doing that 'til you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“If someone lies and says they are dating someone or they are moving to another town soon, you don’t feel rejected, because it’s no longer about you… So I guess what I’m saying is the next time someone asks you out and you aren’t interested, the nicest thing you can do is write back: ‘Sorry, can’t do…”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone’s window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps ‘All My Life’ by K-Ci & JoJo?”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“One girl raved about a nice voice mail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.’ THAT WAS IT.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go ‘Is that dangerous?’ and I go, ‘Yes… but I like danger.’ We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, ‘Aziz, your car’s on…”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching— and this is a direct quote— ‘Jewish and my zip code.’…that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s.”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. Peopl…”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“You can’t call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they be like: ‘What? Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time, text me that shit.’”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“I see people my age…getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the REST of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like ‘What the fuck was I doing with this…”— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com
“His body is a mosque, my God, his strong shoulders, his soft chest, his handsome hands, I hear the call of prayer every time I lay my head close to his heart.”— Royla Asghar, poems-of-madness.tumblr.com
“Gently, we howl at the stars together. Gently, we swallow each other whole.”— Emily Palermo, sleepwalking.nu
“Love is poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.”— George R. R. Martin, amazon.com