“Ted has been in love ever since he was a baby and saw his reflection in the bathwater.”

“Ted: [lamenting at the party that he isn't where he should be in life] I might as well…”

“Ted: I went to my reunion a couple of months ago. Famous Announcers School. Murray: That's…”

“You sold your soul?! Sold it?! For an extra three inches of willy?!”