“Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, ‘Oh, my God, so sick. Need water.’ Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. ‘That’s terrible. Feel better!’ earns you a stay in friendship jail; ‘Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!’ gets you a cozy friendship suite.”