“I always assumed that I would spend the perimenopausal years of my life living alone in an unfurnished studio apartment, shouting incorrect Jeopardy! answers at my ancient television set and keeping company with none but a feral cat.”
More from Samantha Irby
“I've wasted so much time and energy and money, for what? For what?! You know? I'm fat. I'm…”
“Like, I'm the obesity epidemic, and you know me.”
“I know, everything is either, like a big Indiana Walmart sack, or it's, like, some cutesy…”
“Kids are like mice on a glue trap, squealing and shitting until you drown them.”