“I'm a conservative kind of guy, so I do have these rules—I won't talk about this, this, and this. And I don't like talking about topical things. I like talking about little things, like lint.”
More from Steven Wright
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”
“In school they told me ‘Practice makes perfect.’ And then they told me ‘Nobody's perfect,’…”
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start...”