“One day, you're going to miss the little text messages I give you. You're going to miss how I used to worry about you when you're out late. You're going to miss my annoyingness. One day, when I'm gone you're going to miss how you actually had someone that actually wanted you. And when I'm not there anymore you're going to miss me.”
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“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.”
“When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.”
“What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck? You…”
“Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.”