“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“This shirt is 'dry-clean only'... Which means it's dirty.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor, clever
“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy, short, One-Liners
“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy