“I got out of the shower and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I looked blotchy and messy and not at all like those girls in magazines. But I was still fucking beautiful.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Body Image
“Everyone’s parents have fucked them up in one way or another. This is part of the natural order. It’s the circle of life. Mothers are people—not angels from heaven or Ex Machina error-free service bots. Just because they pushed you out of their vaginal canals does not mean they have all (or any) of…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Parents, Parenthood
“I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Mistakes, Flaws, Growing From Your Mistakes, Growth, Moving On
“I’m sure in the past I’ve said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can’t deliver. I’m sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There’s something beautiful about truly being there for another person.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Marriage, Is Marriage Dumb?
“I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I’ll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my m…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: affirmations, Postive Words, Self-Acceptance
“So if you’re an introvert like me, especially a female introvert, or a person who is expected to give away your energy to everyone else on the reg, I want to encourage you to find time to be alone. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Introverts
“What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this 'problem' for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Alone, Single, H4D-53
“Do they think models size 6 and above can't make it to the end of the runway without stopping midway for a burrito? Enough, enough with these waifish elves walking your impossible clothing down an ugly runway with ugly lighting and noisy music. Life doesn't look like that runway.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: feminism, Body Image, models, Society
“You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner, or when you first realize your parents are full of shit. You become a woman the first time you get fitted for a bra and realize you’ve been wearing a very wrong size your whole fucking life. You be…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: feminism, Growing Up
“Isn’t it sad that when a girl says she was sexually assaulted, our first instinct is to think she’s probably lying? Statistics and facts tell us the exact opposite. We demand ‘perfect victims’ who better not have been drinking or hanging out at a party in a short skirt or revealing dress or have eve…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Sexual Assault
“He said he loved me, but every step of the way he’d hurt and sabotage me. I realized later that he put me down so much because he was probably terrified that I’d realize he was nothing and leave him. Which is exactly what I did.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Love, Toxic, Toxic Relationships
“I’m mad because girls as young as eight years old are being shamed about their bodies. Fifth graders go on diets and admire Instagram pics of celebs in waist trainers. Some of the people I’m closest to have struggled with eating disorders. I’m mad at an industry that suggests that painfully thin is…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Body Image, Negative Body Image, Women's Magazines
“I don’t know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don’t know how we survive at all. It feels impossible.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Introverts, Internet
“You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else’s heart. The first time someone you love dies. The first time you lie and make yourself look bad so a friend you love can look better. And less dramatic things…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Becoming A Woman, first, Sex
“There is nothing better than being your own boss. Well, there is, actually: not having to work at all. That is way better.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Work, No Boss, 9-5 Lifestyle
“Isn’t it sad that when a girl says she was sexually assaulted, our first instinct is to think she’s probably lying? Statistics and facts tell us the exact opposite. We demand ‘perfect victims’ who better not have been drinking or hanging out at a party in a short skirt or revealing dress or have eve…”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Sexual Assault, Rape, Slut Shaming
“When you have a sick parent, you can’t help but think of the end. Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Sick Parents, Love, real love
“There are lots of ‘firsts’ like this in life, little flashpoints here and there when you’re unknowingly becoming a woman.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Fashpoints, Firsts, Becoming A Woman
“I look at the saddest things in life and laugh at how awful they are, because they are hilarious and it’s all we can do with moments that are painful.”— Amy Schumer, amazon.comTagged: Pain, Sad Things, laugh, Painful, humor