“She didn't break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain't supposed to be all involved in that. That's why she got sisters and friend for. Just show up with the ring and act right.”— Mike Epps, successories.com
“Why don’t little girls fart? They don’t get assholes ’til they’re married.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Some people say their wedding was the best day of their lives. I’m guessing they’ve never had two candy bars fall out of the vending machine simultaneously.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Wife: ‘Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?’ Husband: ‘Why don’t you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?’ Wife: ‘I don’t get it.’ Husband: ‘Worked on your ass, didn’t it?’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Husband [in front of the mirror]: ‘Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and bald?’ Wife: ‘I do.’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Husband: ‘Wanna know when you orgasm next.’ Wife: ‘I’d rather not interrupt you at work.’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife. So do most married men.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end? She told him never to interrupt.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Which one of your kids will never grow up and move out of the house? Your husband.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What does every heterosexual man realize ten years into marriage? Why ’gay’ also means happy.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long sweet dream. Marriage is more of a nightmare.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Husband: ‘Just once I wish you’d admit I’m right!’ Wife: ‘Just once, I wish you’d admit you’re wrong!’ Husband: ‘Fine! I’m wrong!’ Wife: ‘Finally, something you’re right about!’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the difference between ‘incomplete’ and ‘finished’? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the secret to a happy marriage? Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.”— Unknown, tcat.tc