“Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.”— Peter Shankman, twitter.com
“I once swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.”— Vaughn Franklin, twitter.com
“I just found out the guy who stole my diary died. My thoughts are with his family.”— Dan Thomas, twitter.com
“Why did the golfer where two pairs of Spanx? In case she got a hole-in-one.”— Shad Powers, twitter.com
“Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.”— carli cottee, twitter.com
“My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to 'be positive,' but it's hard without him.”— Danny Bolton, twitter.com
“Saw a blonde standing on one leg in front of the ATM. She said her husband told her to check her balance at the bank.”— Harry Hoover, twitter.com
“As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.”— JoAnne Lichtenwalner, twitter.com