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Quotes tagged ‘Comedians’

(31 total)

I hear people saying, ‘Get ya money on, get ya money on.’ I hate that. I mean, that’s you’re motivation? If you do well, the money will come.

— Bernie Mac, huffingtonpost.com

I love sex, I love it. I can't do shit no more. And I'm blessed. I'm big bone-ded. I'm heavy structured. I'm hung low. If I pull my shit out this whole room get dark.

— Bernie Mac, youtube.com

Whew, shit, you patch-eyed mother fucker. You broke-leg son of a bitch.

— Bernie Mac, youtube.com

She said Mac, can I ask you a question, "Does pussy taste like pumpkin pie?" Made me mad as hell, I said "Don't ask me no damn question like that. I never had no pumpkin pie."

— Bernie Mac, youtube.com

I'm not a foodie. I don't, ‘Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty.’ Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someo…

— Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, imdb.com

I remember when I was a struggling comic appearing for the first time in Las Vegas. Don Rickles came in to watch the new guy. Afterward, he came backstage, and I asked him if he thought I was funny. He said, ‘You know when you're funny. You don't have to ask.’ And he was right.

— Garry Shandling, esquire.com

To be thrown onto the stand-up stage is an experience that you cannot fathom until you're actually there, because there's no place to go, and everyone is looking at you and you can't even see them because of the lights. And yet you have to manage to start talking and be funny on top of it.

— Garry Shandling, npr.org

Even though my work is whimsical. I have a very serious job. I cry more than I laugh.

— Richard Simmons, npr.org

I do consider myself a clown and a court jester, and I do love to make people laugh, whether they’re laughing with me or at me. I just love what I do, and I’m a teacher more than anything. When the king gets depressed, he doesn’t call for his wife. He doesn’t call for the cook. He calls for the cour…

— Richard Simmons, menshealth.com

I'm the clown you take out of the box and wind up when you need a good laugh. And then, when you're done with me, I go back in my box.

— Richard Simmons, menshealth.com

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

— Jim Butcher, amazon.com

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