Quotes tagged ‘dad jokes’

(31 total)

“Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office. I’m on season 6 but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.”

“My dad told me it was time to hit the sack, so I kicked him in the balls.”

“I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest... It's his altar ego.”

“I met some chess players in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts bragging in an open foyer.”

“People say smoking will give you diseases but how can they say that when it cures salmon.”

“How do you win an argument? Be pregnant. That’s it! You’re done.”

“Why don’t crabs ever give to charity? Because they are shellfish.”

“Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.”

“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”

“What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.”

“What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.”

“What’s the difference between a nine-month-pregnant woman and a supermodel? Nothing—if the pregnant woman’s partner knows what’s good for them.”

“Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it got mugged.”

“Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.”

“What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.”

“Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food. No atmosphere.”

“Wanna hear a joke about the paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.”

“What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”

“How do you make a Kleenex dance? ‘Put a little boogie in it!’”

“What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.”