“I know I look square, but I'm like my father's tractor. I take a while to warm up, but once I get going I can turn your topsoil till the cows come home.”— Winifred Hervey, Rose Nylund, Betty White, imdb.com
“Blanche: I'm going to have to meet men lying down. Sophia: I thought you did.”— Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan, imdb.com
“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get The Chinese Daily. [Pause] Do you get it? No Me, neither. I get The Times.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Knock-knock. Who’s there? Stopwatch! Stopwatch who? Stopwatch you’re doing and open this door!”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What did one tonsil say to the other? Better get dressed. The doc’s taking us out tonight!”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? Lack of concentration.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep...not screaming like the passengers in his car.”— Thought Catalog, thoughtcatalog.com
“Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.”— Thought Catalog, thoughtcatalog.com
“My roommate told me my clothes look gay. I was, like, don’t be a dick, dude; they just came out of the closet.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, ‘Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.’ The pirate says, ‘Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.’”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What did the Buddhist ask the hot-dog vendor? Make me one with everything.”— Thought Catalog, thoughtcatalog.com
“What do you do when your cat’s dead? Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com
“What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!”— Unknown, thoughtcatalog.com