“This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.”— Sarcasticsapien, twitter.com
“18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese”— dan mentos, twitter.com
“GOD: it's time I punished the humans again JESUS: cool. flood or plague? GOD: [watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..”— HAUNTigula, twitter.com
“Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.”— WineMummy, twitter.com
“'There's plenty of fish in the sea' is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.”— Dumb Beezie, twitter.com
“Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000”— Rob Fee, twitter.com
“Have a new housekeeper coming over today; just finished cleaning the whole house for her.”— Kelly Oxford, twitter.com
“When parents say to kids go to ur room & think about what you've done it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.”— Pat Tobi, twitter.com
“If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.”— Guy Endore-Kaise, twitter.com