“Wife: ‘Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?’ Husband: ‘Why don’t you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?’ Wife: ‘I don’t get it.’ Husband: ‘Worked on your ass, didn’t it?’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Wife [in front of the mirror]: ‘I feel ugly. Give me a compliment to make me feel better.’ Husband: ‘Your vision is absolutely perfect.’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“How is a wife like a freezer? It takes hours of defrosting to get either really wet.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“Wife: ‘I love you.’ Husband: ‘Is that you or the wine talking?’ Wife: ‘It’s me. Talking to the wine.’”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the difference between a prostitute and a wife? A wife accepts credit cards.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“What’s the difference between a wife and a job? After 10 years, a job still sucks.”— Unknown, tcat.tc
“My wife was wondering why she was so itchy.. I was wondering why she pronounced it with a silent b...”— 420-Neal-It, reddit.com
“My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her.. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife...”— 420-Neal-It, reddit.com
“I asked my wife why she doesn’t ever tell me when she is having an orgasm She said she doesn't like to call me when I'm at work.”— Rounder057, reddit.com
“If you have your wife banging at one door, and your dog barking at the other, which do you let in first and why? The dog, because after you let him in, he stops whining.”— Woop_dee_do, reddit.com
“I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, she said "get something that makes me look pretty, So I went out and got drunk.”— Mesoposty, reddit.com
“My wife accused me of being immature... I told her to get out of my fort.”— Lloyd_Dwyer4, reddit.com
“I already had you, but I only want you more. It's very hard. I beg you to be my wife.”— Akira Kurosawa, imdb.com
“Cops turned up at my place last night. "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..." I said, "Yes but she has a great personality."”— gratefuldeadlift, reddit.com