“As Leslie’s Maid of Honor, I really need her bachelorette party to go well, which is why I’m stress-eating these gummy penises.”
More from Anne Perkins
“Pawnee is the fourth-most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They’re just…”
“Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost?”
“3… 2… 1, aaaand my shift is over. What the f*** is your problem?”