“You wanted me to be happy? I almost was, and then you ruined it. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home, hard-boil an egg, and eat it on the toilet. L'Chaim.”
More from David Caspe
“It's better to be memorable than boring.”
“Hey, forgetti and meatballs, Jason Bourne called, and he says he remembers more stuff than…”
“Ghosts are real. Just like warlocks and doulas.”
“Okay, as someone who's dated enough gay guys to earn the nickname 'will she ever learn?,'…”