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Max Blum

15 quotesWriter · German Empire · Male

All gay (3)Men (2)Tourist (1)Nature (1)Question (1)couple (1)Celebrities (1)Graceful (1)chubby (1)Divorce (1)Water (1)fake (1)Water Bottle (1)Inception (1)upset (1)

From “Pilot”

Even I think rollerblades are gay, and I had sex with a dude last night.

Rollerblades Sex Men gay

From “The Quicksand Girlfriend”

You don't need a gay husband... 'cause you're my gay husband.

gay husband couple

From “Your Couples Friends & Neighbors”

Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think l'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.

pregnant fat chubby Water Medical Condition

From “Dave of the Dead”

How can you tell a man not to follow his dream?

Dream Question Life

From “Why Can't You Read Me?”

I like tough girls, real tough... men.

Tough Men Attraction

From “Yesandwitch”

Max: [acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha! Tourist: Really? That doesn't sound right.

Tourist fake Windy City Lies Tourism

From “Secrets and Limos”

I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Celebrities Names Nicknames

From “Full Court Dress”

Ya, TV really is nature's babysitter.

TV Nature babysitter Easy

From “Cocktails & Dreams”

Anyway, there are two types of guys in this world -- one guy who makes a detailed calendar of everything they're gonna do for the next five years of their life, and then the other guy, who draws weird penises on said calendar just to piss calendar guy off.

Extended Metaphor Example calendar joke

Avi: Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque. Max: Where's that flight from? Avi: JFK.

Water Bottle flights Personal Space

From “The Kerkovich Way”

What a graceful swan of a lady.

Graceful Swan metaphor example

Well, you lose some you lose some, right?

Motto Lose Win Some Lose Some

From “Party of Six”

You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore? Hm.

Inception Marriage Divorce Moore

From “You Snooze, You Bruise”

Max: You should watch the gay history channel. Dave: That's a thing? Derrick: Yeah, it's called Bravo.

gay History Channel Bravo

From “Fowl Play/Date”

You wanted me to be happy? I almost was, and then you ruined it. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home, hard-boil an egg, and eat it on the toilet. L'Chaim.

Happy ruin upset

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