“I said guess what? I'm happily divorced for 11 years.”
More from John Mulaney
“I am scared and aroused, the chocolate and peanut butter of feelings.”
“This is capitalism. You reap what you sow.”
“I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant page of Doritos, fall asleep…”
“You're getting your hair pubed?”