“Now I spend my days awash in a cologne of cold memory. It stinks of regret like a diaper in a hot car.”
More from John Mulaney
“I am scared and aroused, the chocolate and peanut butter of feelings.”
“This is capitalism. You reap what you sow.”
“I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant page of Doritos, fall asleep…”
“You're getting your hair pubed?”