“You know, they have this saying that, uh, bad things happen to good people, and, you know, if that's true, I must be some kind of a saint.”
More from John Mulaney
“I am scared and aroused, the chocolate and peanut butter of feelings.”
“This is capitalism. You reap what you sow.”
“I mean, sure, normally I'd go home and jerk off, eat a giant page of Doritos, fall asleep…”
“You're getting your hair pubed?”