“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.'
Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.
'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus'”
More from Mitch Hedberg
“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.”
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good…”
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going…”
“I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me…”