“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!" "Well let's form a club then." "Alright, but we need more stipulations." "Yes we do; instead of cutting th…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sho…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, humor, Stand-UP
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“So it said 'You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.' I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sh…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, humor, comedy
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP