“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises...gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.”
More from Steven Wright
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.”
“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”
“In school they told me ‘Practice makes perfect.’ And then they told me ‘Nobody's perfect,’…”
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start...”