“I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Placebos, Addiction
“In school they told me ‘Practice makes perfect.’ And then they told me ‘Nobody's perfect,’ so then I stopped practicing.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: practice makes perfect, Nobody's Perfect, Contradictions
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start...”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: underperforming, Suicide Note, Paper Cut
“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Metal in Microwave Ovens, Oops, Learning The Hard Way
“I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Tech Overload
“It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Foreign Languages, Loneliness, Absurd, Surreal
“I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Baby Monitors, Subconscious, Surreal, Absurd
“Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with…just to screw with my subconscious.”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Fluency, Multilingual, Talking To Yourself, Subconscious
“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fa…”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Baby Monitors, Wiretapping, Friends
“I wish the first word I ever said was the word ‘quote,’ so right before I die I could say ‘unquote.’”— Steven Wright, imdb.comTagged: Quote Unquote, wishes