I figure, when my husband comes home at night, if those kids are still alive, hey, I’ve done my job.
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The Ballad of Roseanne and Tom
They write about me like I’m a murderess. And all I do is a little fucking comedy show on TV.
I’m funnier than every motherfucking man there is. And that’s how I felt when I was onstage.
To me, it’s a victory over my whole life that I can do stand-up. The way that I got abused as a child was psychological, and when I’m onstage I’ve taken my life and I’ve turned it around. I’ve gone, You’ve made me this way and now you can’t get me. I even like hecklers because it’s like, Just try to…
Me and my husband found a foolproof method of birth control. Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids.
We are still the wildest people we’ve ever known that aren’t in prison.
The only thing I ever thought about or knew was that I was going to be famous. I knew I would either have a big show or movie or all of it. That was a feeling I always had.