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Quotes tagged ‘Funny Tweets’

(30 total)

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

— Deirdre, twitter.com

ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

— Talib Jim, twitter.com

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

— Julia Claire, twitter.com

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

— Casey Duncan, twitter.com

I want my ashes scattered when I die.I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.

— UnapologeticCanadian, twitter.com

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

— lil gory lovitz, twitter.com

'Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.' Taxidermy is invented.

— Ste(ph)en, twitter.com

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

— Frank Whitehouse, twitter.com

[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

— Jon, twitter.com

'Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?' Body: 'I shall make this into nose hair'

— XS Flea Baggage, twitter.com

[1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?

— GoaT FacE, twitter.com

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.

— Jaxon/Jaxoff, twitter.com

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, 'I read what you said on the internet.'

— antisocialsocialist, twitter.com

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me: I didn't do... Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody Me: These are my regular clothes

— Tim, twitter.com

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids

— ♛EmMama♛, twitter.com

Me: I won't make it. Go on without me. Her: It's a toe cramp M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood H: That's sweat M: Tell my story

— MehGyver, but Spooky, twitter.com

People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself

— Autumn Crafton, twitter.com

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.The other 7 glasses are just for me.

— Decant & Pour, twitter.com

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display

— beth loves ghosts, so, twitter.com

Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.

— Just Call Me Kitten, twitter.com

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