Quotes tagged ‘Jokes’

(305 total)

“Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.”

“I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.”

“I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.”

“I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I am a comedian because I tell dark jokes.”

“What kind of music to chiropractors listen to? Mostly hip-pop”

“What does a baby computer call his father? Data.”

“Why didn't the skeleton go bungee jumping? He didn't have the guts.”

“Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day. Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.”

“I once swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had.”

“I just found out the guy who stole my diary died. My thoughts are with his family.”

“So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud? Udder failure?”

“What's a dog's favorite movie? Jurassic Bark!”

“Why did the golfer where two pairs of Spanx? In case she got a hole-in-one.”

“Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.”

“My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to 'be positive,' but it's hard without him.”

“Saw a blonde standing on one leg in front of the ATM. She said her husband told her to check her balance at the bank.”

“Which winter month do people sleep the least?February!”

“As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.”

“What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.”

“What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.”