“Me: What are you doing? 7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree. Me: There aren't any presents under the tree. 7: I know. Passive aggressive level 9000.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: The pig always messes up my blankets. Me: Then why do you keep putting her in your bed? 5: Because I love her.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Why does every break end with us going back to school? Me: How else would it end? 5: With another break.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[dropping kids off at school] Me: Have fun. 5-year-old: Then why am I here?”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“[listening to "We Three Kings"] 7-year-old: Where were the queens? Me: Back at their castles. 7: Taking over for good.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Girls can be anything. Me: You can't be a monkey. 5: *enraged monkey shriek*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“My 3-year-old tackled my 5-year-old because she stole her imaginary money. Imaginary crime doesn’t pay.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: Time to wake up. 5-year-old: Is it Christmas?! Me: No. 5: *goes back to bed*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“7-year-old: Do you think Santa is making our presents right now? 5-year-old: Maybe not. We were pretty bad.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“3-year-old: *points to dog* That's my dog. Me: Yup. 3: *points to pig* That's my pig. Me: Yeah. 3: *points to me* You're my person. I'll take that.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: You look very handsome. 7-year-old: Girls can't be handsome. Me: Then what are you? 7: Awesome.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Can we play the snack game? Me: How do we play? 5: Give me a snack. Me: Then what? 5: I win.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“7-year-old: I feel sorry for Jesus. Me: Why? 7: He was born on Christmas.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: What do you want for Christmas? 3-year-old: A nutcracker. Me: Why? 3: To crack nuts. Oh.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Did you buy us presents for Christmas yet? Me: Is that this month? 5: *death stare cold enough to freeze fire*”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: Sometimes boys are bad. Me: What about the rest of the time? 5: Boys are really bad.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“7-year-old: Santa isn't real. Me: That's right. 7: But he can still stop here if he wants to.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“5-year-old: How come only Mom wraps presents? Me: She's better at it. 5: What are you better at? Me: Unwrapping them.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: *stands on the bathroom scale* 5-year-old: Good job! That's a big number.”— James Breakwell, twitter.com
“Me: How was your last day of school before break? 5-year-old: We didn't even learn!”— James Breakwell, twitter.com