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Quotes tagged ‘kids’

(164 total)

My 3-year-old just said, "Daddy, stop wasting time." She summed up my entire life.

7-year-old: Why are we opening our Christmas presents early? Me: I make the rules, not the calendar. 7: Me: Mom said it was okay.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: *hands me a toy package to open* Me: Looks like that’s going to take some arm strength. 5: I’ll ask Mom.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Did Santa come?! Me: You don't believe in Santa. 5: He doesn't know that.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: What do you want to do today? 7-year-old: Nothing. Me: You can't do that all day. 7: I can do it all week.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

[coldest day of the year] 5-year-old: You made her mad. Me: Who? 5: Elsa. My bad.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

7-year-old: Time for a break. Me: A break from what? You're not doing anything. 7: It's exhausting.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: I closed my eyes last night and now it's morning. Me: That happens. 5: I think I can time travel.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

7-year-old: Why do you argue with people on the internet? Me: If I don't, nobody will. 7: Isn’t that better?

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

3-year-old: My belly doesn't want to go to sleep. Me: Why not? 3: Tacos. That makes complete sense to me.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Where are the pig's shoes? Me: Pigs don't wear shoes. 5: *has a million dollar business idea*

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: *drinks water* 7-year-old: If you get too hydrated, you'll explode. 5: *spits it all out*

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: I made all the beds. 5-year-old: A store made the beds. You just put blankets on them.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

5-year-old: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 5: Me. Me: That's not a good joke. 5: Neither are yours.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

3-year-old: I don't want to get dressed! Me: But if you don't get dressed, you can't leave the house. 3: My God. She has it all figured out.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: What's wrong? 5-year-old: I'm hungry and not hungry. I understand completely.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

Me: We can't go out. The roads are bad. 5-year-old: What did they do wrong?

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

3-year-old: *screams* Me: What's wrong? 3: Pants. Pants indeed.

— James Breakwell, twitter.com

I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.

— Larry David, George Costanza, Jason Alexander, imdb.com

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations. They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

— KUFanboy1225, reddit.com

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