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Quotes tagged ‘satire’

(45 total)

As my career took off and my appetite grew, I started to lose touch with humanity, and the only real connection I had to people was digestive.

— Broti Gupta, newyorker.com

Based on careful analysis of Lohman’s post-article analysis, the article may have been written by a policeman, a right-wing pundit, a restaurant worker, someone who just really loves restaurants, a small business owner, someone who just really loves small business owners, a podcaster, Milo Yiannopou…

— Walker Caplan, reductress.com

My inaction hurt the people around me and spoke volumes about my priorities. While our leadership was embracing state-sanctioned violence against marginalized ethnic groups, I was happily skipping through the town square singing nonsense.

— Joanna Castle Miller, mcsweeneys.net

Ah, the fickle winds of identity.

— Miranda Kronfeld, reductress.com

Tell us about a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did your wealthy parents make that problem go away?

— Ali Solomon, thebelladonnacomedy.com

It feels restful. It feels like the kind of place where you can truly be the person you are becoming now, not the person you were in the past.

— Apartment Therapy, apartmenttherapy.com

Considering you’re the kind of person who took the time out of your work day to write an article about Nancy Pelosi’s coat, you definitely don’t have what it takes to make it out there.

— Carrie Wittmer, thebelladonnacomedy.com

Deflecting compliments is one of the fundamental tenets of womanhood and I would be interested in learning how to accept one.

— Julia LaSalvia, mcsweeneys.net

Sometimes it can be hard to tell what’s behind those kind eyes – does he really love you, or was he just raised in a loving Midwestern family that taught him to be kind to everyone he meets?

— Reductress, reductress.com

I already share the earth with so many living things: for instance, my boyfriend who got some shampoo in his eyes yesterday that I had to help him clean out. That was very scary for him.

— Miranda Kronfeld, reductress.com

Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date versus Pay More Than Your Fair Share and Say, “I’m a Sagittarius, the Most Generous Sign in the Zodiac”

— Blythe Roberson, newyorker.com

You see, contrary to popular belief, Black Patience takes time and effort to prepare. Culling Black Patience from the depths of the Black Psyche takes a lot of work and… we’re losing you, aren’t we?

— Jenna Lyles, mcsweeneys.net

Boy, you must have a knife, because you just cut straight through to my heart. Oh no, you do have a knife? I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

— Mary Cella, newyorker.com

Some may tell you to pursue views, clicks or followers, but I’m here to tell you there’s no more noble pursuit than that of authenticity. If you want to fight against all the bullshit online, it’s paramount that you understand the importance of being honest, being you, and most crucially, being true…

— Haley Nahman, manrepeller.com

Fun story: This one time we charged two parents $18,000 for some baby formula. LOL! We pull that shit all the time. Don’t like it? Don’t bring a baby, asshole.

— Alex Baia, mcsweeneys.net

Develop lower-back pain from literal, not figurative, weight of book.

— Claire Friedman, newyorker.com

If you've got your thighs rubbing together from fat, then you've got to think about what you've been eating.

— Chris Lilley, Ja'mie King, Chris Lilley, imdb.com

Grant: Gentlemen, the buy-in is $15,000. Mark Twain: 15 large. Are you sure General Custard can swing that? General George Custer: It's Custer, not 'Custard.' There is no 'D.' I'm not a dessert. Mark Twain: Boom, I just dropped some satire on your ass, General! General George Custer: You got me!

— Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler, General Custer, David Spade, imdb.com

You can’t have a perfect summer day reminiscing about the four amazing years you all spent together and undoubtedly peaked during or else why would you keep talking about it without a perfect bikini to match.

— Miranda Kronfeld, reductress.com

So why not give your man the little death he deserves with a tighter cooch than he ever dreamed possible? We’re here for you, girl!

— Rachel Van Nes, reductress.com

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