Quotes tagged ‘satire’

“10:31 AM — Order all of the pants from Free People on the app. Easy peezy!”

— Carrie Wittmer, thebelladonnacomedy.com

“Sabrina: Miles, what are you doing? I made us waffles and bacon and eggs. Miles: Do you have any idea where bacon and eggs come from? Sabrina: Pigs and chicken butts? Miles: Government subsidized farms. They're fed chemicals and hormones. It's not natural. I'm sorry, Sabrina, but my body is my templ…”

— Dan Berendsen, Sabrina Spellman, Melissa Joan Hart, imdb.com

“She admittedly knew that her champagne buzz was somewhat fueling her outrage but, at the same time, couldn’t get the thought of Katie downplaying her dress shopping out of her mind.”

— Will deFries, postgradproblems.com

“Would you rather be groped in a bus or groped in a bar, and also what were you wearing, you filthy skank?”

— Isabella Giovannini, mcsweeneys.net

“The announcement took many royal watchers by surprise, because in her sixty-six-year reign the Queen had never before complained of bone spurs.”

— Andy Borowitz, newyorker.com

“Are our doctors just psychopaths who all meet to discuss ways to alienate their patients?”

— Jonathan Greene, medium.com

“Bathe in my clawfoot bathtub and shave my legs in the tub even though the angle makes it almost impossible.”

— Devon Henry, medium.com

“All I know is that I’ve never felt better, perhaps because my central nervous system is no longer firing hunger pain signals, or any other kinds of signals for that matter.”

— Ross Wolinsky, mcsweeneys.net

“Men are complicated! And the only way to figure a man out is to stay up until 4am psychotically digging through every single thing he’s ever said or clicked on the internet. Whether you’re investigating a new beau, and old fling, or every man you’ve ever met, here’s how to dig so deep down into his…”

— Jasmine Pierce, reductress.com

“What sounds good isn’t always good, yet women in my comments section continue applauding adjectives, supporting them and adding new ones of their own. At some point, we have to be realistic or we’ll collapse from expectation and frilly words.”

— Robert Cormack, medium.com

“Bring it all back to Hillary Clinton!”

— Rachel Wenitsky, reductress.com

“Of course, eating my dinner in bed under my string lights is an act of self care, but in this political climate? Some might say it’s also an act of resistance.”

— Miranda Kronfeld, reductress.com

“It would not surprise me terribly if the show ended with the reveal that Penelope was masterminding every single one of these murders just to see if she could feel anything.”

— David Berry, nationalpost.com

“For me the only way to deal with the slog of womanhood is to go online every night and take Harry Potter quizzes that sort me into Ravenclaw, over and over, until I feel safe enough to fall asleep at night.”

— Eva Victor, reductress.com

“Guys, women really don't care that much about nuclear button size.”

— Kate Willett, twitter.com

“Patriarchy’s days are numbered Fa la la la la, la la la la. We’re all better unencumbered. Fa la la la la, la la la la. Let’s make room for female voices Fa la la la la, la la la.”

— Hyrrs, open.spotify.com

“Kick the balls of patriarchy Fa la la la, la la la la We’re all sick of this malarkey Fa la la la, la la la la.”

— Hyrrs, open.spotify.com

“On the twelfth feministmas My true love gave to me Fair rights and wages Reproductive freedom No victim blaming No body shaming No bullshit diets Gender bias broken Shame free breastfeeding Equality! Proud working mums Male allies No tampon tax And a grope-free Christmas party!”

— Hyrrs, open.spotify.com

“6. He makes you feel like you are a major part of his life. That’s nice—but the world is spiraling out of control. Are dating articles even relevant? Do people read things for fun anymore? Do people feel anything other than anger and panic these days? Is Mercury in retrograde? Does love even mean an…”

— Katie Mather, thoughtcatalog.com

“1. He goes out of his way to spend time with you. Do you want that though? You’ve been panicking a lot and screaming into various voids and Twitter is just a dumpster fire of information and anger and every morning you dread looking at the internet, so are you even sure you want someone, like, on to…”

— Katie Mather, thoughtcatalog.com