“A lot of people think that satire is just personal essays that are funny.”— Carrie Wittmer, medium.com
“Not bad for a girl who used to obsessively scroll through YouTube videos of Joe’s Pub performances as a high-schooler in Houston, Texas.”— Lara Zarum, villagevoice.com
“It never occurred to me that a female wanting to do comedy was unusual or an act of rebellion.”— Arden Myrin, refinery29.com
“I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody’s always saying, ‘But it’s a dry heat!’ So’s the inside of my microwave.”— Joan Rivers, amazon.com
“I guess ultimately I just want to be someone's cell phone background.”— Whitney Cummings, twitter.com
“The Backstreet Boys are releasing a new album, and all their fans ovaries are releasing their last eggs.”— Chelsea Handler, twitter.com
“I wonder if Donald Trump watches footage of himself and thinks, 'I look great.'”— Chelsea Handler, twitter.com
“I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.”— Ellen Degeneres, amazon.com
“Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!”— Sarah Silverman, youtube.com
“Don't love the fact that I momentarily forgot I was in a Uber and started BELTING the chorus to 'Kiss from a Rose' but my driver sure did!”— Mamrie Hart, twitter.com
“My love of coffee, green juice, and booze sure has LIQUIDated my bank account.* *don't even play like that wasn't perfect.”— Mamrie Hart, twitter.com
“Currently getting a pedicure. Or as I call it '30 minutes of trying to not kick someone in the face because I am baby level ticklish'.”— Mamrie Hart, twitter.com
“Last week I was feeling exhausted, a little depressed, and self-indulgent and I said to my boyfriend, 'What's the point of working so hard if you can't have millions of puppies?'”— Lena Dunham, youtube.com
“There are so many things that I would be so afraid to do. Like hike Mount Kilimanjaro or go to a CrossFit gym.”— Lena Dunham, youtube.com
“Some people are not meant to be mothers and some people are not meant to drive.”— Lena Dunham, youtube.com
“With kids it's so funny because they're not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.”— Tina Fey, youtube.com