“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“This shirt is 'dry-clean only'... Which means it's dirty.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor, clever
“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, humor, Stand-UP
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”— Mitch Hedberg, cc.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel 'Something...Tree'," So they had a meeting; it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" "I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'.…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy