“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, humor, comedy
“I opened up a yoghurt, and underneath the lid it said ‘please try again’ because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yoghurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration fro…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrene, party of two, table ready for Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they’ll say the name again: "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers, they’ll move on to the next name. "…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other s…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Di…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity. Got me again!”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy, food
“I was writing a letter to my dad. I was going to write ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really’. I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit tryin’ to act as if I am a steamboat o…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why…”— Mitch Hedberg, en.wikiquote.orgTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I've got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know wh…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: Stand-UP, comedy, humor
“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... In a way... Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but s…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!" "Well let's form a club then." "Alright, but we need more stipulations." "Yes we do; instead of cutting th…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sho…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, comedy, Stand-UP
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy
“I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: comedy, Stand-UP, humor
“My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.comTagged: humor, Stand-UP, comedy