39 Hilarious Aziz Ansari Quotes About Modern Romance That Will Actually Make You Think

“My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go ‘Is that dangerous?’ and I go, ‘Yes… but I like danger.’ We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, ‘Aziz, your car’s on…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“You know how we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together? I wanna keep doing that 'til you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“As a public figure, I have never considered doing any online dating. I always figured there was a chance someone who was a stalker type would use it as an opportunity to kidnap and murder me… Maybe my stalker (probably an Indian dude) sees my profile and thinks, Oh, here’s that comedian guy on OkCup…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Japan has not only a huge sex industry but also what some have dubbed a ‘relationship replacement’ industry that provides everything from ‘cuddling cafes’ (where clients pay for things like pats on the head, eye contact, and ear cleaning with a Q-tip) to full-on sex robots that are built to last for…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone’s window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps ‘All My Life’ by K-Ci & JoJo?”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“If someone lies and says they are dating someone or they are moving to another town soon, you don’t feel rejected, because it’s no longer about you… So I guess what I’m saying is the next time someone asks you out and you aren’t interested, the nicest thing you can do is write back: ‘Sorry, can’t do…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“One girl raved about a nice voice mail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.’ THAT WAS IT.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. Peopl…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

““Beyond flakiness, as far as dating goes, I’ve observed many men who, while hopefully decent human beings in person, become sexually aggressive ‘douche monsters’ when hiding behind the texts on their phone. The messages being sent are inarguably inappropriate and often quite offensive, but, again, o…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“I see people my age…getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the REST of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like ‘What the fuck was I doing with this…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“After the rings, the priest should just say, ‘Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain’s tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won’t feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where’s the pigs in a blanket? I’m outta here.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Online dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have. In fact, most of us have no clue what we’re doing. One reason is that people don’t always know what they’re looking for in a soul mate, unlike when they’re picking something easier, like laundry detergent…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“At a certain point the brain rebalances itself. It stops pumping out adrenaline and dopamine and you start feeling like you did before you fell in love. The passion you first felt starts to fade. Your brain is like, ALL RIGHT!! We get it, we get it. She’s great, blah, blah, blah.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“The smaller the pool of potential romantic partners, the lower the odds of finding romance face-to-face, whether through friends, in schools, or in public places. Sure, there are booming gay neighborhoods in some cities, but the people who live and hang out there see a lot of one another. After a wh…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Even a guy at the highest end of attractiveness barely receives the number of messages almost all women get. But that doesn’t mean that men end up in the online equivalent of standing alone in the corner of the bar. Online there are no lonely corners. Everywhere is filled with people looking to conn…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Walking into a bar or party, a lot of times all you have to go by is people’s faces, and that’s what you use to decide if you are going to gather up the courage to talk to them. Isn’t the swipe app just a HUGE party full of faces that we can swipe right to go talk to? In the case of the girl I’m cur…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching— and this is a direct quote— ‘Jewish and my zip code.’…that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Why do we all say we prefer honesty but rarely give that courtesy to others? Maybe in our hearts we all want to give others honesty, but in practice it’s just too damn hard. Honesty is confrontational. Crafting the ‘honest’ message takes a lot of time and thought. And no matter how delicately you do…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“Needless to say, the singles scene in Qatar is not quite like what we observed anywhere else in the world. Those from religious and traditional families are literally prohibited from casual dating. Flirting in public places gets a young person in serious trouble, and it’s especially dangerous for yo…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“You can’t call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they be like: ‘What? Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time, text me that shit.’”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“At certain times, though, this ‘I need the best’ mentality can be debilitating. I wish I could just eat somewhere that looks good and be happy with my choice. But I can’t. The problem is that I know somewhere there is a perfect meal for me and I have to do however much research I can to find it. Tha…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“M, a brand marketer, sent her boyfriend a picture of her breasts to help him cope with a case of nerves before a presentation at work. This is my favorite. I just love the idea of the guy opening up his phone, seeing the boobs, and thinking, ‘Ahhhh. Okay, you got this, Phil! Let’s nail this PowerPoi…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“If we could all have lifelong passionate love, the world would collapse. We’d stay in our apartments lovingly staring at our partners while the streets filled with large animals and homeless children eating out of the garbage.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“If I ever was texting frequently with someone and wanted to make an alias, I think I’d go with ‘Scottie Pippen.’ Then any friends who were peeking at my screen could be left wondering why I was texting with the former Chicago Bulls star on the reg. I only hope Scottie Pippen’s wife never has an affa…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“I love you, but today, part of me feels like I’m buying a Honda Accord.”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“At one point I was the hopeful romantic who would stay out till 4: 00 A.M. every morning, worried that if I went home, I’d miss that magical, amazing woman who showed up at the bar at 3: 35 A.M. After many late nights and brutal mornings, though, I realized that most amazing, magical women don’t wal…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com

“As I hit thirty, I started to despise the bar scene. I had experienced every single version of those nights. I knew all the possible outcomes, and I knew the probabilities of those outcomes. When you hit that point, you realize how fruitless trying to find love by barhopping can be; you have enough…”

— Aziz Ansari, amazon.com