“'There's plenty of fish in the sea' is just something people say because you're going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.”— Dumb Beezie, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.”— WineMummy, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“GOD: it's time I punished the humans again JESUS: cool. flood or plague? GOD: [watching The Apprentice] oh I've something way worse in mind..”— HAUNTigula, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese”— dan mentos, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.”— Sarcasticsapien, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.”— Just Call Me Kitten, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display”— beth loves ghosts, so, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.The other 7 glasses are just for me.”— Decant & Pour, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself”— Autumn Crafton, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Me: I won't make it. Go on without me. Her: It's a toe cramp M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood H: That's sweat M: Tell my story”— MehGyver, but Spooky, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids”— ♛EmMama♛, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me: I didn't do... Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody Me: These are my regular clothes”— Tim, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, 'I read what you said on the internet.'”— antisocialsocialist, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.”— Jaxon/Jaxoff, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“[1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?”— GoaT FacE, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“'Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?' Body: 'I shall make this into nose hair'”— XS Flea Baggage, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on”— Jon, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.”— Frank Whitehouse, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“'Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.' Taxidermy is invented.”— Ste(ph)en, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese”— lil gory lovitz , twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“I want my ashes scattered when I die.I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.”— UnapologeticCanadian, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.”— Casey Duncan, twitter.comTagged: Funny Tweets, Twitter
“I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.”— Julia Claire, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets
“ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.”— Talib Jim, twitter.comTagged: Twitter, Funny Tweets