“Our breakup broke the record for the most mutual parting of ways in history.

Here’s the text-message conversation:

Me: Hey . . . should we break up?

Canadian: Ya probably.

Me: Ok.

Canadian: Did you watch Hoarders last night?

Me: Ya! I can’t believe that woman ate her dead dog thinking it was jerky.

Canadian: I know! Crazy!

Me: Well . . . goodbye I guess.

Canadian: Do we have to unfollow each other on Twitter? I’d rather still follow you. You have funny tweets.

Me: No way. I never unfollow anyone. That’s so tacky.

Canadian: Agreed.”