"I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sal..." — Tim Vine

Quote
Catalog

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'

— Tim Vine

50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners

Jokes Puns

More from Tim Vine

View all quotes

Quote
Catalog

Tim: I'm quite good with angst and tragedy. Lee: You grew up in a cul-de-sac in Henley,…

Quote
Catalog

My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.

Quote
Catalog

You know, I’m not very good at magic—I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the…

Quote
Catalog

I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an…

           WKM               &WK             W W         M      W      WWW WKW          W W            W           W       W K&W  WM  &WK  W
           W&W W WKW W WKW    W  W WKW WMW   W W WWW W W WW WWW  WW&   MW   &W   W W W &W WW W W W W   W W W  WW   W W W   M W&MWMWKW  W   W W WK
           W   W WKW W W W    W  WW &K WKW   W W WKW W W WW  MW  MMW   MWW W W   W W W MW WW W W W W   W W W WWW&  W W W   WK&&W  WMW W    W W WK
                                 WK

            WWM W        W                              W           K               KWW KW W&&          W &                         K               W
           W  W W WW W&W W W&W  WM   W&KMW MWW W&W WMKW&W    WM W&W W W W WKW W&W   WW   W WKM   WMW&W  W WW W&W WKW   W W WW&WW W& W W&W W&W    KW W&W WMW
           W  W W WWKW&W W WKW  WWK  W WWWKW   W W W W  W    WW W&W W W W W W W W   &WWW W M W   W W W KW WW W W W W   WW WWM&W  WWWW W W W W     W W W W&W
            K&    KK  K     K   K        K  KK  &            K   K            WWW    W      &                 &             K     K    &      W   K      M

           MWW                        MM                                 K   W
           W   WM& WW WW WM  MW W W   W W WM WW   &MW M W WW W W W WMM W&W  KW WM WW &WWMW   MWW W&W W W&W W WW  WWW  MMW W W W W&W W   W WWW   WMM  WMWW W W W WW&W  W
           W & WKWK& W & W&W MW WMW   W W W MKW&  W W WWKW  WW WMWKW WWK W   W W W  WW &K W  W   W W W W W WW  WW  W  K&W W W W W W W   W W WM  W W  WW  WKWWWW W&W WW
           W   W&M   M W W&K MM  W    W&M M  MM    MW  W  WW    W  MM  WMM   M M  WW          WW W&W W W&M   WW  WWW   MM W KMW M M W   M  WW   W  WWKK  & W W  WMW WK
                                K                                                                                K                                                  K

            WW W& WW M W M WW   M  M&   & K MM W    WKWW WW   W W W W W W WWW   WW WW WW   M W MMW   KWM WMW   WKW M M W&  MM     W WW  WW  WW  WW MW
           W   W W  WWWWWWKM W  W W W WWWW W W W    W W  WW    W  W MK MW W MW  W WWKWKK W WKM W WK  W W W W   WW& W W WW W W     WWWKWW  WW  WW&MWW
           WWW W &WW  W W    W  W W&W && W &MW W W  & KW WW   WWW WWW WWW KWW   W  WWK W WMW   W &   WMW W W   W M  W  WM MMW   WWK WMK&  WM  W WW W
                                W                                                                                  M

            & MW&  KK W&WW  K     K    W  KW WK   & WW      &   M   &     &WM    K  & W W &    &    WWW WMM WWW    K K  WW W W &K   &     W  &   M  K& WWM    WW
           WWM&W W WW&W M WWMWWK WKW W W   W W W W&W W  &W W&W W K W W W W W&  WKW WW W W WM  W&W   KWW MKW W  W  W W W WM W WW  WW MW    W W&W W KWK WWW W   WW
           WMW&& WWWWMWW W WM W  W&M W&W   W W W W&W W  && W&W WMW WMW W WMW&   W W W WKW KW  WKW   WWW WMW WWW   W W W WM W WMWWKW  W  WWW W&W WWW WWWWWWW  WWWW


           &WWW                       M M
           W    W W     W &WW WWW WWW W WWW&WWWWW
           WWMW W W W   W &WK WKW W&W W WWM&WW  W






                                                                                           &KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK           KK&&MM&M&KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK&&&&&&&&&K

              } } }         }      *  * *   *     *   * *  * *    *               * *       } *             * *       *         }             }
              }           *     }           }       *   *  }          }                             *     *         }                 *
                                                    *   }      }              *                           *         }                       }
           }   }  }  } } *    *     *   **   }}      * *   } *    }         }    * * *  * *   }  * *    *  *  *    * * *   *  }   **        } }

                                                                         }             *                    }                        }
             }      *   * *       }           }   *            *         *                                  *                        *
               } *                          * *             }      }     }   }                *             }                  *             *   }
              }              }                 *                      *          }              *     *}     *      *                 }
                                                                               *
                      **             }                        }                                           }
                        *      *                                  }           *                                            *       }
                               *                          }                                    *          }       *
                                                      *     }                    }  } }                     }

                                 }                            }     }                                                    }
                                 }                                                }                               }      }                    }}
             }                       }                 }   *               }                                }            }
              }                  }              }                                       }                   }         }  }     }   *     }

                                                                                    *                                   }    }
                                   }                       }         }*  }                         }                                                      }
                }                                                                                                           }  }
                                    *     }           }           }                                                                }


                            *  }   }   }  *}   }
                   }                   }
                   }             }
                    }          }    * } * *}    ***





             }}        }}}}}}}}}}

                                V             U                       j               jo   o                              U j    o  VV
                o   U U               j       U       V         j        o      j U V V     o V j V     o   Uj  V     V     V                 U
              j     U     o                 j o V          VU         V     V   j     V     o V o   o   o                       UV            U
                                                                        U

           o                  oU                                      U U                             oo   U                                      U
                 j            VU          U               ojo      o j U         j    o         j     VV              j   V     j  o
            Vo          j U    j             o    U   U   Uo   U                 j              j     U         o   j    j           j   o    j        j
                U      U V o     U   V  U        V V  UVV     U   U jV Uj V V       j V  V o j   o V V  V oj   o V o    U  U  o  V  o   o U V      jU U o o

              j                         V                    V                o                      j     V              j         o   o
             j    V  U     Uo        U      o  j     j   j  V V                  V  V     o         o     j o  oV        j           j j j         oj    V           U
            U j       U o   j        U j           V j        V     U                 j  U        U     U                                          oo  jV      o
                  oV    j   j        j      V  o  V          Uj      U               U VooU  V        j    U    V     U    o         V   VU       j    jj     jj
                                                                                                                  U                                                U
                                o              o    j          V   V   Vj  oo                                  o  j    jV         o
           U     j        j  o    V  jVj   o            j      j   j j o j   V       j  oU  o V                       j   V           oU  jU         V
                   o             j V      j V j      U  V       U                       U               U           o      V o oo       Uj  Vo
                    j     UU            j            V  U  j             j   j    j   o     VU    V               U                     V   jj V  o
                                                                                                                    V
                                                                                                     U
           o j             U  jUjj   VU     j  j V      jUV  o o o V   UV      V   U U V U    j o              o  V o V   U j     VU        V j V j          o  o
                  o      U      j   U     j         V         V   U   V           V  V   o                    U           V     o  V    j      V             V  U
                        U V  V j            j   j   j                 V        U     U             j   j       j          V j       U              U
                                                                                                     j

                 j       j           o
                 U     V U   j       V
                 U     V U             j      jj UV
             j   j       j





               jjjjjjjj          jjjjjooooojjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjooooooooojooooooojojo                       UUUUUUUUUUU                                          U

    K             M   K     &     K M         K     &

                                  M      &                   K

               &
                                             K

             K                                K
                                        K                      K
                                      K K               K   K  M

            &   K


                                                    K
               WW       &W  K        &          M KKMW&      K&MMWWK
                         W MWWW   W            KMKWM   K
                         WWWWWK WWW  &          &  KK&
             W           WWWWWWWW&   &    WWWW     K  &
                        WWWWWWWWWWW  K    WWWW          &&&&  &
     WWW W              WWWWWWWWWWW  KMWKWWWWWWKWM  K K &M&&K&&K
       WWWW             WWWWWWMMWWW   WWMWWWWWWW W         K   K
     WWWWWW            WWWWWWWWWWWW   WMWWWWWWWW&M         &WK K K&
      KMWWWW    W     &WWWWWWWWWWWW       &WWWW     K     WWWMK
        WWWWW   WW   WWWWWWWWWWWWWW         WW      WWWM &WW&KMW
         WWWWW  MW   WWWWWWWWWWWWWW                  MWWM&K    K  KM
         KWWW        WWWWWWWMWWWWWW      KMWWWWWK       &MWKK  W   M
          WM    &W&WWMWWWWWWWWWWWMW     KWWWWWWWM       &KK    K  K
         &MM   MWMWKKKK&WWW&&KK&&MW     KWWWWWWWW              MM K

           .                   :
    ,   .       :  .: ,.:         , ,.,. :.   :   , :  .:
              .        :         :
    , ,  , :   . ,: ,,  : :,, .  .  ,:... .  ., , :.:  ,   ,
                      :  :            ,       :   :  ,
        :  :     :   ,    :   , : , .          :   : ,
                 : ,   ,            ,  .:     ,

    :  ,: :: :.    .: .: :,  : ,,   ,        . ,   : .   ,:
                               :
      .,  .,, . :,,
        ,           .


    .,::,,,,,,:   ::,,..   ..   ...
    : :::::::      :,:,.
    ::,:,,,,,,: ::,,,.,
    : ::::::, .:,,,,,.. ,                                 .    ,
    ::        ,.,,,,..             :                         ,
    , ..      :.,,,...,,                       :   .
        ,  :  :,.    ,
    ..         :,,,                 .
            ,  :,:   ,              :
     ,      :,.     :               .          :
      .             .               .     .   .
    ::,,                            .     ::  ,.  .
    ::,::           ,               .
    ::: ,                           .             :
    ,   ,                           ,  .

     }    *  * <     } * *   *  }  } <     <         *  }
       <     }    ~       ~ ~ ~             <            ~
        }}  }*   *~}}*  }}    **<   }}~ * } *}<<<  ** } <
     * <~ ~  <  ~  *  <  ~   <  } }      ~ ~~    <   <~ * ~ <*
     * *<} <<<   ~   } *  } < * <**  *   < ~~} * * }   <~<}~}  < *}
    <  < *  <  }*     ~*}< <<~ ~ * < << ~} ~~ ~ }*} * ~<~~~}~< }  <
    <~**~~*< }~~* }   <   ***   *< ~ *}  ~}  *  <*   <*<}~<*
    }~* } *~  }}   ~  *   << <  < }*}<<<<<<~<< ~*  }  < <  ~
     <}     ~    *   *  ~  ~~ *  ~}}  ~  ***< <  << ~  <~  <}<
    } }     <    }}  }**    *      **~   } }*<*< } }**~}  ~     }
    <*         <
     }    <       }


                 ~      <<          <        }}}}*
     ~       ~<  *~        *  <
               ~        } <    *    <                             **
     ~                         <   ~}                    ~  }   }*
      ~~ ~*                       ~ }          }        < *}~ < } *
        } ~*}}                     *<               *          *<
          < <~                      ~                           }~
            ~~~    ~   ~
             ~<   *~<                                }        }
    <             <<                 * * <      ~ }<    }         ~
    ~~       }    }<                 *<    <   ~  }
               }  *                  }~*}       }* <
             <  ~                     ~           ~} }        *
       ~                              }~           *}~*       *
     ~~~    }                         *          }} * }       *    }

      Vjoj  U o V  oj   j V   V  j    jV Vo U  j UUU  jj j

    oUjV  Uo   jV     V   oojU     o   j   V     Vj  U j  VUo
                               j
    U o   j     o o o   V  o j o   j   oj V     j   o j      jj U
      V   o  V    o j                  o  j                   V UV
                     U   o   oU   j         j  j    o
       j o      jjj  o j V  o j  U               V  oo o jj
         j     o  j                             o
     V ooVVo VoV   VV   Vjjo jj Uoj       j     U V      o o o

    o oo j j VUo o o


               jU                    ojjjjjjj     oU ojjoooooooVVVj
                             j U    j UUUUUVVVoo U     VUUUUU
                                 V V UVVVVVVooo     jUU UUUUUVojoj
             j                        VVVVVojojo jj   Uo          oV
        j  jU           U             UUVV    j Voo VV V         o V
     V   U                            VVVV    U      jjU    oU   joV
    o                              U              oU V U          oo
      j             oo             o o          U UUoUVUVUU UVV jjoj
    o      j                       j V            jjo oUVoU     o  j
               j V   o             o  U j        j   ooV U     oVo
       o       U                   o   UUo      UV o    o       UoUV
        V                          V     j  VV      V      UVUj oV
                 U                 V j  o        V  o VU     U  oUU
         o  o                      U o           o     V   UVV  oV V
              U                    o j             j j oVVUojj   j