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Tim Vine

51 quotesComedian · Born Mar 4, 1967 · United Kingdom · Male

Timothy Mark "Tim" Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" and “I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.” He was the runner up in 2011, 2012 and 2013. 2Early life Vine was born in Cheam, and attended Epsom College with his brother Jeremy. 2Career 3Stand-up Vine's stand-up act consists primarily of a series of quick-fire one-liners and puns. He has regularly appeared at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, with shows such as The Tim Vine Shambles and The Tim Vine Fiasco which won him the Perrier newcomer award in 1995. In 2006, he had a large advertising hoarding erected featuring his name and image, with a small sub-heading "...is not appearing at this year's Edinburgh Festival" Vine appeared at the Pleasance Courtyard for the first two weeks of the 2008 Edinburgh Festival Fringe performing a show entitled Punslinge

All Jokes (50)Puns (49)One-Liners (2)aboriginal (1)Dean Martin (1)Hunting (1)Grim Reaper (1)Wordplay (1)Bee Gees (1)British Telecom (1)Eurostar (1)ice cream (1)Didgeridoo (1)Murder on the Orient Express (1)easter (1)

From “50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners”

My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.

Jokes Puns

You know, I’m not very good at magic—I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Jokes Puns

I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'

Jokes Puns

I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'

Jokes Puns

I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar—it’s murder on the Orient Express.

Jokes Puns Dean Martin Murder on the Orient Express Eurostar

I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, ‘I want to buy an ice cream.’ He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

Jokes Puns ice cream

I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.

Jokes Puns The Pretenders

Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Jokes Puns

I used to go out with an anesthetist—she was a local girl.

Jokes Puns

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'

Jokes Puns Arnold Schwarzenegger easter

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'

Jokes Puns

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'

Jokes Puns

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

Jokes Puns

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

Jokes Puns

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…

Jokes Puns

I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'

Jokes Puns

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Jokes Puns

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'

Jokes Puns

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Jokes Puns

Exit signs? They’re on the way out!

Jokes Puns

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