Quote
Catalog

Quotes tagged ‘Jokes’

(305 total)

We're gonna live in a log cabin. We're gonna hunt...acorns. We're gonna -- we're gonna gather squirrels.

— Steven Levenson, Jon, Andrew Garfield, imdb.com

And it didn't matter how stupid he had to get... or if I was sittin' there concentrating as hard as I could... on the computer to write a letter to a senator or congressman or something else, he'd come and rub them balls in my face.

— Joe Exotic, imdb.com

Jack Hock, big cock.

— Nicole Holofcener, Jeff Whitty, Jack Hock, Richard E. Grant, imdb.com

What better way to try and get us through this period of isolation than with some good old fashioned jokes?

— Gianluca Russo, Teen Vogue, teenvogue.com

Why do people have to tell jokes?

— Richard Price, Stephen King, Holly Gibney, Cynthia Erivo, imdb.com

'Does anyone else bark commands at Alexa in the voice of Moira Rose from Schitt's Creek?'

— Nora Dominick, BuzzFeed Staff, buzzfeed.com

I want people to laugh with me, not at me.

— Zach Galifianakis, Scott Aukerman, Himself, Zach Galifianakis, imdb.com

Why do writers constantly feel cold?Because they are surrounded by drafts.I’ll let myself out.

— Renee D Webb, twitter.com

'Can’t wait to go home and eat a Kid's Cuisine and watch The Luck of the Irish like it’s 2008 again.'

— BuzzFeed, Christopher Hudspeth, buzzfeed.com

Uncle Jesse: Why are divorces so expensive? Luke Duke: Why? Uncle Jesse: 'Cause they’re worth it.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn license! Luke Duke: What license?

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

Here’s another one: Drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, ‘Why don’t you watch where you’re going?’ The drunk looks at him and says, ‘Why don’t you carry a wristwatc…

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Luke Duke: What? Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

The Priest: I can't be physical with you. Fleabag: We can't even wrestle?

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Fleabag, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, imdb.com

There's never too many balls.

— Alexander Rosenberg, imdb.com

I started to really examine comedy, and I noticed there’s two kinds of laughter. One is when you’re watching the comedian and he says a joke and then you laugh at it, because you heard the punch line. And sometimes it’s really funny and you’re laughing. And other times it’s okay, but you still laugh…

— Steve Martin, amazon.com

What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face—that seems to be their big qualification—and put it on the license. No blank heads are allowed to drive cabs. And the name was like eight consonants in a row. And I don’t even know how I would report the guy. His name wa…

— Jerry Seinfeld, amazon.com

Making jokes is not work. It’s a gift.

— Jerry Seinfeld, amazon.com

I was feeling so good about myself a second ago.

— Ryan Reynolds, Wired, youtube.com

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

— Unknown, redtri.com

WWWWWWWWWWWMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWM& K &&&&MM&MM&&MMMMM&&K WWWWWWWWWWMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KMK &K K KKKK&M&&&&KM&MMWWWWWWMWMK WWWWWWWWWWMMMMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& KKK&K&& KKKKK&&&&K&&&&&MWWWWWWWWMWWWMM&&K K&KK&&K WWWWWWWWWMM&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM& &&KKKKKKKKKK K&&&&&&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&KK&K && WWMMMWWWMM&&&&&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW K&KKKKK&KK K&&M&MWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMWWWMM&& WWMMMMMMM&&&KKKK&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW &&&&&K&& &K K&&&&&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMWMM&&MK WWWMMMM&&&KKKK KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KK&&KKK K&&WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMW&MMM&&KK WWWMM&&&KKKKKK KK&MMWWWWWWWWWWWW KKKK&&&KK&K KK&&MWWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&MM&KK WWWMM&&KK KK&&MWWWWWWWWW KKK&&&&KKKKKK KMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWMM&KK WWWM&&KK KKK&&MMWWWWW KK&&&&&&M&&&& K&K MWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWWWWWW&&W&&&KK WWWM&K KKKKKKK KK&&MMWM KK&&KK&K&KKK&&&&K K WMMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWMWWM&K& KK WWWM& K&&&K&KK KKKK&&M KK&KKK&M&&K&&&&K& K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMWMMMK&KK WWM&K K&&&&&&&&&&KKKKKKKK& KK&&KKKK&&K&&&&&&K&MKWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&MMK& WM&K &&MMMMM&&&&&&&&K&&K K&&&&&&&&&MM&MM&&& MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWMM&&&M&& WM& K&MMWWWWWWMM&&MM&M&& &&&K&&K&K&&MMKK&&&&&WMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMWWWMM&&K W&K KK&MMWWWWWWWWWWWMMM&& &&&&&KK&K&MWMM&&&&&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM&&K &K K&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK &M&&&&&&M&&&MM&&&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMK & K&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KM&&&MMWWMMMMWMMM&&W&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW&&KK K M K&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWW KK&&&&&MMMM&M&MMM&&MWWWWWWMMWWWWWW&MWWWWWWWWWW&WKK WM &&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWW KK&KKM& KK& &&& &KK&MMWWWWK MMMK&K&&&K&MK&K KKK K&KKKK WWM K&MMMWWWWWWWWWWWW KK &KK KK K WWM K&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWW K KMM KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWW& K WWWW K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWW& &&K MWWWW KK&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW K&MMWWM&K KK &&WWMMK &MM K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWM KKKKK MWW& K&MWWWWWWWWWWWWWK KMWWWK KK&MMWWWWWWWWWW& &WWM K KK&MMWWWWWWWW&K MWMK K KKMMWWWWWWWMK KM& KK& && K &&WM& KKKMKKK K&MMWWWWWWWK KKK K&K KK & KWW&&&K KKK K K&&MMWWWWWM KKKKK&&K K&MWKKK K&WMWMK & K&&MMWWWWW W KK&&&&M&M&&&& KKKM&MMMMM&&&K K K&MMMMM& KK K K&&MMMMW MM K&&M&MMMMM&M&MM&MWWWWWWWMKKK && MMWWM& KM&K&MM&&KKKK&KK KKKK W& KK&&MMMMWWWMWWWWWWWWWWWWW&KK KMM&MWWW&& K &WWWWWWWWWW&K & K&&&&&MMWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKK &&&MM&WWWMK &&&MMWWWMWWWM&M&K

. . . ::. .... . , , .,, . .,,:: ::,,, , ... , : :: ., ..,:: ::, . .,,.. . . . .: : , .,. .. . .... : . , ,., ,,. :.:, . ... , :, , : :: ::, :,,,:. . , ,:,:,,., ::,,. ,. . , . . , : . . , . .: .. .. , : : : , .. , :,. :,,. ,: :: : :., : :, : : ,, .:: :.:,,: , .. , ,. , . , . .. : ,, . ,.,. , : , .:,. :, . , , .: ::. :, . ::, :,,,,, ,,:,:. : ::,. . : .. , :: , .,: ,,,. . . ,, .. :,, : . . .:, :,,.. ::,,....,:: , , .. ::, . ::,..,.,.:: :::,, :,. ..,. :,,,, ::. . :,,,,,,,,, ,,: : . :,. .,:. , ,..: :, : :,,: ::,: :, ::,, , :,.. ...,. :, .., , :: . ,: :,::,: :.. . ,. : :. .,:,.. : : . ,.,. , ., , ,: :,::: :: :,: .. .,. :. ., : : ., : : ,,: , : ::,,, ,, ..... .., ::: :,,.,,:::, , : . , , ,,..: ::,. ..,,, .::: :..,:::::,,. :: : : : . : :: :: ,..,::, ,.,: :,.,: ::,,. : ::::: : : .,.,: : ::: :::. ,,,,,,,:. .,,: ::,:::::,,. , :::::: : ,: :: :,. :,.,:. ,::: :::::::,,. : ::::: :: ::: ::,, ,:: :..,,. ,:: :::::,,,,,. : ::::: :,: ::: :::, ,,::. .,,, ,: :::::,,,.,.. ::: : :, ,:: :,:,,: ,,:. .,.. ,:: :::,:,,,.,. .

}<<< < } }**<<<<****}*}*<~<}**<*<* ~*} }}}}}*}}}}}}}}}}} }< ~ }}}*<<~~~~ < }}} }}}}*}}}}}}}} ~ } *}}}**<<****<<~~< ~} } }}}}} }}}}}}}}}}} < ~~ } }}}}}*<*}} *}}**~~ *~ * }}}}} }} }}}}***}*}}} ~ ~< } }*** }*} }<**<} ~ } <} } }}}}}}}}}} ~ ~~<~ ~ } } }}} }} *}**}<<< ~ <} }}}}}}} } }}}}}} } }}*****}<<<*<< <} }}}}}} <} * } } }}} }***<<~<<*< ~ <} }}}}}}} ~< }} } ****}*<*~~~~**~}~ ~* }}}}}}} ~} }}*}}}<<~~ ~*<~ < *} }}} } < }*****<*<~~~~<}< } } }}}}}} }} }}*****<~~ ~*~} ~ } } } }} <<}< ***}}*<~~ ~ ~ ** } <<< }}}}*****~~~~ < ~<<} }}}*****<~ ~ }}} ~ ~~< }**}***<<~ } * *}}**}}**~~ * }}}*}}*}*<< } }}} }}**}}***<~ }}} <<}} *}*} }***}**<<~ ~~~*} ~ ~ *<~ **<<~<~ *} }~ ~~~ <**<<<<~~~ }}}}}}}}}} ~~~~<}} * } < ~ } }*~ ~~~<<~ } }*<<<~~~~~~<<<*} }~~~~*} ~ ~~ }< ~~~ }}}**<<~~~ ~ *~~~~* * }**<*} }*< ~<~} }}}~ ~} *<<~ ~ * }***<<*<<<<<~~~~ <~~~<} ~ *}* * ~<} }<<< } }*<~ ~ ~ <*<<<<<<<<<<<~<~~~~ *~~~~*} < } } }~ <* * }}*~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~<<<<<<<<<<<<~~ ~~* <~~~~<}} } < ~* ~ <<*~ <<< ~~~ ~~<<<<<<<<<<<<~ }}} }<~~~~~**} ~ } < <<~* << **< ~ ~ ~~~~~<<<<<<<<*<~ ~~ < }*<~~~~~~~<*}} } } ~ <****<*< *<**}<<<~ } ~ < ~ * *< } ~<<<~<~~~~~~ ~ ~~<<<<<***< < }*<~~~~~ ~~~~**} } ~~ } }< ~<*<<**<<~~ ~~~~<<<**<< **<~~~~ ~ ~ ~~<*} } *~ ~} } ~~< } } *< <}}} }}} }<~<~~ ~<<<~<<**<< ~ ~ }*<~~~~ ~~~~<*} *<~~~ <} ~ ~ }*<<<<<~ <} } }}<<~ ~~<<~<<<<<<~ * <~~~~ ~~~~*} ~ ~ ~~ }}}*<~~ ~~~ ~~~<<<<<<<<~~ * }<~~~ ~~~~~*}} * < ~~ ~} }<<~ ~ ~~~~~<<<<~<~~ < *~~~~ ~~~~<*} < } ~~ * } }*<~~ ~~~<<<<<<<<<~~~~ }*<~~~~ ~~~~<<}} < ~~ * }}*~ ~~~<<<<<<<<<<~~

UVo j UVUoUVU UUU UV jjjj UV oV U V U UVUVoVVVVojoVoojjooooV jjjjjj j UV VU U U Voojjj jjj jj j joVU UU U UUUVj oj jjj j j j ojjUVU UUU UUoVoVo jjj jj oj jj oooojjjjjjj oUUU U UU UUVVoj j j jooo j jjjoooojjjjjjjjjjj UU oVVVU UUVUVUU UUVVoo jjj j jjooVVooooojjjjjjjjj UUU jjoVUV UUU UVUVojj jjjjj oo j j jooVVVVoooojojjjjjjj UUUUUUUUUU j jjVUUUU VU UUVVVj jojj oooooj jjoooVVoVVooooojjjjjjj UUUVVUUUUUUUU VUUU U UU UUoooojjjjojojVVVoj ojjooVVVVVVVVoooojjjjjjj j j UUVVVVVU UUUU ooUoV V U U VVooooooooVVVVVVVVo ojjoooVVVVVVoVoooojjjjj j UVVVVVVUU UUUU joV UU UoVoVoooVVVooUVUVVo j ooooooVVVVVVVVVoooo jjj jjjjj UVooooVV jV UUUVVVoVVVVVUVUUVVooj o VooooVVVVVUVVVVVojjjjjjjjjjjjjj UVVoooVVUU joV U UUUUUVVUUVVUUUVVVo jooooVVVUUUUVVVVVooojjjjjjjjjjjj UVoooooVVU jV UVVVVVVUVUUUUVooo ojjjoVVUVUUVVVVVVoojoojjjjjjj UoooooVVU oU UVVVoVVVUUVUUVojjj VoooooVUUUUUUVVVVoooojjjjjjjj jj UVVoooooVU oU UUUVVVUVVVVUVVVojj VooooVVVUUUUUUUVVoooojjjjjjjjjjj VooooooooVVU U VVU UV UUUVVUVUVVUVVoo VoooVVVUUUUUUVVVVVooojjjjjjj jjj o joooooVVU V VUU UUUVUUUUUVVUUUUUUVVoj jVooVoVUUUUUUUVVVoooojjjjjjj j o jjooVVUU j jVVUU VU UU U U U U UUVVVooVoj o jooooVUUUUUUUUVVVVooojjjjjjjjjjj j jjoVVU oVVUUU VVj joj jjj V UVUUUUUVUU UVUU VUooVUo jjjoVVVUUUUUUVVVoojj j o joVU VUU UUUo o oVUUVVVoVUUVVVVVVoj ooVVVVUVVVVooj V joVU jVUVUUUV jjVUVVoooV Vjooooj joooVVojj U jooVU oVUVVVoo joVUUVoj jojooVUUVVooj oU Vo jjj U joVU j oVVVVUoj jjoVU oj jjoVV Uoj V UUUo jV U joVUU VVVVUVo j joVUUUU UUVVojj jVU Vo oUUVUUUUUVUUVoj jjj joVUU oVVVUoVVjjoUUVoj jV Uj jj jooVU U VVVVVUVVVVVV jVU UVo V ojj joVVU oVVVVVUVUUo V UUVoVVVU V j jjU joUo o V Voj joVUU V joVVVVUUUUVojoVUV UU UjoojoVUU UU VU U oVoVVV VoVo oo Uoj joVU Uj ooVVUU UU oooVUVU Voj joUVUU V j j jooVV UUVVV joj j Vo joVU UUV oooVVU UVojj joV U V oooojooo oVVooVj joj UVoj jooVU UU o oooVVU U U U o jVooVVVUUUUUVVVoVVUU UVojojjoj UVoj joVUUU UV oooVVUU U U V VoV UUVVVjjVjjjj UUVVoj jooVUUUUUU oo ojoVUU V V jVVU U UVVVooj jjj UUVVoj jooVUUUUUUUUUUV U oojoVUU U oj oV UUUVVVVojj

WWWWWMWWWWWM K&K&&&MMMMWWM& WWWWMMWWWWWWW& MM&&&&MMMWWWWWWWWMWW&K WMMM&&&MWWWWW& &MMM&K&MWWWWWWWWWWMM&K WWM&K&KK&WWWW K&MMMM&&&WWWWWWWWWWM&K WMK &&&&&&&W &MMM&MMKMWWWWWWWWWM&K KK K KKK W& &MWWMMMW MMMMMMM&WWWWWWWWWWWM&KKKK&K KK&KK M KMWWWWWWW WMMMWWMMWWWWWWWWWWWWMKKKKKK KKKK M &MWWWWWW &MWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWMMMM&&&& KK&&KK W KMWWWWWW K&& &K K K KK&KK WW KMWWWWWWK &K K K & & K&WWWWWW KK K &WM &MWWWWW KKKK K KWW & K KMWWWW K&&M&K &MMMWW K & K&WWWW K&MMWMWWWWWW&MWWW &MWMMMMK KK &&KK& &MMWWWWWWWM&MMWM MWWWWW&KKK K &MMK& K&MWWWWWWWW&K &WM KMWWWWWM& &K &MMW &&MMWWWW&&&&MWWW MWWWWM& WK KWW K&&MWWM KWM MWWMKK W& &M&MW&KWWWMK MMWWM&K WWK K&M&MM & & &&WMK WW& K&K&& KW &W WM& KKKW& KW &&&K &&&&K MMM KKK KK K&KK

,.:, ::,,. ,, ::., :.. ,,, :, .. .. , . , . : : , , .: : ,,: . . : , :: . :.,: , . , ,: :,,..: . : :..,: :: . .. :.::. : ,, , :,, ,: : , , :: .: : . ,, ,:, : , :,:,,, : , .. ,..::,: : , . :,., :,,: : . ::.,: ,: :,. :::. .,: :.. :, :,: ::, .,,: :,. , :, :: ::, ..,: ,, ::: :. , : ,, ..,: ::: : ,,,..,: :: : , .,: .. . :. : .,: . . :, ,. ., ..,: :. : . : . , .,,.. ., ..,,. : ::: ,, :. , ..., ...... :::::: . , .... .. ::::::::::: , , : : ,.. .....

* < < < }~~ ~<<* }* ~ ~ *<}* ~ < }*~* < ~ <~ ~ ~ ~ }~ } < < ~* * ~**< ~ }} }* *< < * * < <~ }}**< * ~ }< ~ **~* ~< ~*}}}}* }**} < * <*<~}< ~ } <** *<<<< ~<*}} < << }****} * * ** *< ~ <** }~~< < ****} }*<* *~ * <**}}*<<~ < }}*}} ~<< <~ ~*}}}}*<~ ~ }}}}} < }< ~**}}}**~ ~ }}}} }~* * ~ <*}}}}*< * }}}} ~~} * * ~<} }< }}}*}} } < <* * }}**}} } }<~ ~ < * }< <} } }}****}}}} < ***<* }< ~ * }} *~ ~*} *~ ********}} } * ~ *~ * ~}}< ~ ~*}}* }*<*<<*<**} *} ** } } **~~ <*~ ~~ *<<<<<<<<<<<~} } ~ ~<<~ << }*<<<<<<<<<<~ < }} *}} }}*<<*} * ~~~ ~ }*<<<<~~~~~~ <** *}}} }<~ }*<<<~~~~ ~ ~ * }** * }}}*<<~~~~ ~ ~} }} <~ }}*<<~~ } ~<*< ~<* ~

U VooVVVoooj VVoooojjj jU VoojUoo VVVVoooooj U VoooVoojj oUUUVVVoooo j V VoVoUUojj VUUUUUVVoooo UU oU UUUU Ujj o o U UVVVooo UVU jV Vjjj VU VVVooo UVU V Uojj UUU UVVVVV jVUU UVjoj U UUUVVV o jV V VU U U UV Uoj jo o U jU Vo jVU UVo U Uj Voj o o jV o Uo U j j Vj oU j U j o U j j o o o U UUVoV VUUU Uo UVVVo j Uj oU UV U UVVo V jVU jVU V U Vj Uoj oU oV U V UUV o jjjoV VoU V UVoj o jjjooU oVU U j U UVoj jjj V jjjjooojVU Uo UVVj jjjj j jjjj joV U U U jU Vjo joj o jojoU U o U U j jj Uj oj VU V j j V j oVUV V U U UVj jjoo UVUo VUVjj jooUU UVUVoo j oUUUVj j jjj Voooojj oVVVoj j oojjjj oVUVVjj ojoojj jjj VoojoVj joj j