“My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“You know, I’m not very good at magic—I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar—it’s murder on the Orient Express.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, Dean Martin, Murder on the Orient Express, Eurostar
“I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, ‘I want to buy an ice cream.’ He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, ice cream
“I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, The Pretenders
“Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I used to go out with an anesthetist—she was a local girl.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns, Arnold Schwarzenegger, easter
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”— Tim Vine, inews.co.ukTagged: Jokes, Puns