My next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.
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50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
You know, I’m not very good at magic—I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'
I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar—it’s murder on the Orient Express.
I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, ‘I want to buy an ice cream.’ He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.
Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I used to go out with an anesthetist—she was a local girl.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'
This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’ I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…
I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
Velcro? What a rip-off!
Exit signs? They’re on the way out!