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Quotes tagged ‘Comedians’

(31 total)

The best defense is a good offense. Nobody likes a heckler, but we don’t want to see him quietly dragged out; we want whoever’s holding the mic to roast him alive, to watch a humiliating, but voluntary, exit.

— Miles Klee, melmagazine.com

I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I am a comedian because I tell dark jokes.

— Anthony Jeselnik, imdb.com

Real comedians want to go on every single night.

— Jerry Seinfeld, nytimes.com

You got a smart she-she crowd here. Look they're all in their underwear.

— Don Rickles, youtube.com

You are a wonderful audience. You really are. Snap out of it, ah?

— Don Rickles, youtube.com

[To Jay Leno] I've been waiting back stage for an hour and a half. Waiting for you to get through your funny car bits.

— Don Rickles, youtube.com

[To Jay Leno] What is this a Nazi movie? What's Jewish got to do with it!?

— Don Rickles, youtube.com

Rose: What a day. One sad person after another. Dorothy: Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?

— Susan Harris, Rose Nylund, Betty White, imdb.com

Garden in an Italian family is huge. That's where we get a lot of our food from. That night we found out there was a raccoon that was eating a lot of our tomatoes. My father was like, ya know, we're going to murder these things. Get the anti-freeze. And we make balogne sandwiches soaked in anti-free…

— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com

I try to be friendly, it doesn't work.

— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com

She thinks I have a mean resting face. Like when I'm not smiling or talking it looks like I could murder your family.

— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com

I'd like to think maybe I would be in the hospitality business. Although, I have a bit of a problem with people.

— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com

As soon I walk in, there's like 25 pairs of shoes right there in the door way. I'm walking around this guys house, with my socks on, talking to other people with their socks on. How could you have a conversation with another man, looking at their golden toe?

— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com

When did it become appropriate to come out in a flip-flop and sandals for a steak dinner? I'm trying to enjoy a T-Bone and I gotta look at some guys hoof.

— Sebastian Maniscalco, imdb.com

Quitting smoking, now that's a tough one. My wife and I made a deal, we'll only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack now since 1975.

— Rodney Dangerfield, youtube.com

Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to the party and suddenly I'm the weirdo.

— Nick Swardson, amazon.com

I got alcohol poisoning. Its not fun, I don't recommend it. Its actually so funny because you can die that way. Its such a weird way to die, its so stupid. But its funny to me trying to explain it. Dying that way. "Dude did you hear about Nick? He died." "What, how? Who did it?" "Nick." "With what?"…

— Nick Swardson, amazon.com

That movies called Boner Soup? About the dad who died and the kids? What the fuck is Boner Soup? I didn't see a boner or soup in the whole trailer.

— Nick Swardson, amazon.com

I always thought it would be really funny if they showed a really dramatic trailer, really serious, and they have a title at the end of it that has nothing to do with the trailer. This is again to mess with the audience.

— Nick Swardson, amazon.com

I always thought it would be funny if a movie like that, to mess with all the stoned people in the audience. If right before the movie started, like Transformers, they put "Based on a True Story".

— Nick Swardson, amazon.com

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