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Quotes tagged ‘comedy’

(199 total)

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401". "No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said "Fuck it, cut em up!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

This shirt is 'dry-clean only'... Which means it's dirty.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. Oh, you're a king you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

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