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Quotes tagged ‘comedy’

(199 total)

I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don’t think I would, ’cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." I’m going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Di…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend's house, he said "You're going to have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity. Got me again!

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why…

— Mitch Hedberg, en.wikiquote.org

I've got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know wh…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... In a way... Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but s…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. How'd it start anyway? "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I!" "Well let's form a club then." "Alright, but we need more stipulations." "Yes we do; instead of cutting th…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sho…

— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com

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