“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“So it said 'You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95.' I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! 'We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get sh…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like 'You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.' Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. 'I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reac…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? 'Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms,…”— Mitch Hedberg, youtube.com
“If you need your public profile to be all positive, you’re sick in the head. I do the work I do, and what happens next I can’t look after.”— Louis CK, vulture.com
“I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny.”— Maya Rudolph, brainyquote.com
“Comedy isn’t about hurting peoples feelings, it’s about making people laugh.”— Arin Hanson, quotegrumps.tumblr.com
“Humor has the same formal structure as depression, but it is an anti-depressant that works by the ego finding itself ridiculous.”— Simon Critchley, amazon.com